Dan and Darla: An update on a family’s struggle with alcoholism (PART 9)

Many readers of Farm and Ranch Life inquire how Dan and Darla are doing. I first wrote about them in October 2013; this is the 9th report. The most recent update was this past June.

When I last wrote about them, Dan had finished planting corn and soybeans on the farm he operates and which he and Darla are purchasing. Dan got “plastered” to celebrate finishing planting crops; he denied drinking and refused a breathalyzer test. He also lied about attending weekly AA and support group meetings; he ceased both several weeks earlier.

In January this year Dan undertook and completed a 30-day inpatient treatment program when Darla made him move out of their home during a drunken New Year’s spree when he lied and became abusive. She gave him an ultimatum which she meant: Obtain help and stop drinking, or leave permanently.

Dan undertook counseling, which sometimes included Darla in meetings, and he attended twice-weekly AA meetings at first. He made several positive changes which I reported in a March column.

After his relapse in May Darla demanded that Dan leave their home again. Dan consulted his counselor, who told him that abstaining from alcohol was a lifelong decision only he could make and carry out. During his two-week hiatus from home in June Dan determined that he would never drink again during his lifetime.

According to Darla, their 12 year old daughter told her father at some point, “If you drink again, I’m living with Mom when you divorce. You decide.”

Their 9 year old son told his father, “If you consume alcohol again, don’t try to fool us. Dad, stop drinking, and pray.”
Darla said she didn’t know initially that their children had talked to their father, but since then his behavior has improved significantly. Dan makes evening meals when Darla is still at work; he helps around the house with cleaning; he takes better care of the farm and paying his bills.

Darla told me she can trust him again, like driving their children to school activities. For the first time in many years, Darla said, she has a 50/50 partner relationship.

I asked Darla how the children found the courage to ask their father to never drink again and to not try to fool them again. Darla said their family counselor met with the children once while Dan was gone from home in June. She thought they must have discussed their concerns and said what they wanted to their father.

In mid-July Dan told me what his children had asked him when we visited on the phone. He told Darla first and now he wanted to tell me. Go figure!

Whenever we talked previously, Dan seemed constrained, perhaps because Darla demanded that he contact me. We have spoken several times since then. Besides his alcoholism, Dan sought my input about their farming operation and about taking a job selling corn and soybean seed when he isn’t farming.

How different it feels to me now to talk with Dan. He isn’t guarded anymore. It feels different with Darla too; we have visited less frequently during the past five months. There is a buoyant quality in her voice.

Dan mentioned that he likes the Catholic school his children attend, even though he still debates religion and has no church affiliation. He meditates frequently and prays with his family, and at meals.

Dan said remorsefully that the opportunity to influence his children is diminishing because their daughter is almost a teenager. He wishes he had been a better father earlier.

I responded: “You are showing your children, Darla, and yourself that you can make a change in your behavior which you can choose to be lifelong; it sets an example for them. That may be ‘a best lesson’ any parent can leave with their children.” I’m pretty sure Dan’s counselor told him something similar.

Is Dan’s addiction to alcohol finally under control? Darla said she keeps wine in their home for guests and an occasional glass for herself. Dan hasn’t touched the 3-4 bottle reserve. He told Darla that it’s okay if she drinks wine or something else occasionally and serves libations to visitors.

They can have guests for dinner now, Darla commented, without Dan getting drunk. Darla said a breathalyzer is no longer needed; their children—perhaps even keener observers—agree.

Dear readers, please send me your comments about what might happen next to Dan and his family as they experience the recovery process. You offered apt observations and advice, which I have often shared anonymously with Dan, Darla and readers.

Has Dan made important changes in his life; are they permanent? Statistics about long-term recovery mostly say that relapses occur after swearing off drinking for a lifetime. I look forward to reading your comments about Dan, Darla, and the long journey to recovery from alcoholism.